Coming Out of the Closet
Uncovering what was covering the “Full Monty” and more, caused me to contemplate turning myself over to the producers of the TV series “Hoarders”, if it’s still a currently running program.
Nah… it’s the thought that counts.
My closet has recently been evac-ed, both evacuated and evaluated, due to some flooring renovations.
While removing and determining where and how to store, use or refurbish etc. the items, I was confronted with my “self”. I saw more than fabric patterns. I saw my habits, rituals, addictions and tendencies… my patterns.
When the tangible items were removed I found among them hidden gems, various absurdities, staples and a plethora of sentiment surrounding most.
It became clear I was being exposed though, my things were what was visible. My history of inner feelings was all right there, stuffed and crammed, some hiding in shadows and some right out front staring me down.
They succeeded; my spirit was brought down.
How could I accumulate so much and hold onto all of it for so long when it is so obvious I cannot possibly need all these things to have a sense of peace, happiness or joy and haven’t seen some for many, many years.
I was experiencing a severe case of self-loathing.
What felt better was, the idea I was giving this deep dark hole (aka: closet) a thorough going over and hopefully, finally, a necessary unloading.
What felt worse was, the idea I could not take the time at this moment, while in the mood, to heavily purge.
I was not secure enough to make quick decisions, but rather absolutely resigned to committing to storing them elsewhere for the moment, perusing and making decisions to let go, later, when I have time to spread everything open and take a good look, try on, etc.
The problem with this is, “later”, usually is accompanied by, “too daunting a task to tackle, right now”.
In general, there is always some activity, which I give precedence. In this case, the floor re-do is scheduled and normal routines and obligations are the priority.
So really, what felt worse was, me feeling as though I was stuck in perpetual procrastination of a sort and watching momentum go away with the wind.
Once confronted with this, it is hard not to realize how heavy all these items in the closet (close-it) are!
This is what we do with many of our feelings. We close it (the door) on them. We suppress, bury, pile on, shut them down, and shut them out so we do not have to see the cluttered mess inside.
My thoughts turned inside out like how I was turning the closet inside out, bringing everything out into the open, in order to prepare i; forced then to ask myself many questions such as, why I have so much in there and why I am so insistent, for years, not to part with items no longer useful to my lifestyle.
Clothes that are too big or too small which, I purchased in each color for variety or for the pattern or buttons I was drawn to, bags and purses to hold just about anything and much more than I like to carry. Pictures, shoes, knick knacks, ear plugs, hair bands and adornments, scarves, gloves, linens… and whatever else gets put in so you can close it.
All of these objects screamed to me, “you’d like to change who you are so, you change your image and/or surroundings to accommodate your mood(s)”.
I didn’t packrat these things for others to be comfortable with me; it is so, I, can be comfortable with me. It is me attempting to make me feel better and relieve my symptoms of emotional disrupt whatever they may be and whenever they arise.
Now, I think to myself, here’s a new fix for ya; simply schedule a time for these things to come out of the closet, for the better.
When making future purchases of any kind, it is beneficial to be aware of the item’s true usefulness in your life as well as how it affects your sense of space, closet space yes but, also your inner being space.
Feeling uncomfortable with yourself causes wasteful spending not only depleting hard to come by financial resources; it drains your vital energy and living space as well. I think of how much time I spend looking into the closet and when it looks cluttered, how it makes me feel stressed and over burdened so, I close it off… out of sight, out of mind, right?
Wrong. Feeling uncomfortable didn’t go away just because I found a funky belt to wear, which, I probably didn’t wear but, once. Feeling uncomfortable lingers. It comes up over and over like an addiction, when we are weak, when our energy is wastefully spent and whether we can or can’t continue grabbing or grasping for something to fill its space thereby taking away our dis-ease.
It’s not that we’re empty, it’s that we are full. Full of all kinds of impractical things we seek to comfort us.
Now, is always the time to practice clearing clutter, in order to see and utilize what treasures are revealed inside or visible and available to bring outside.
When we do that, we don’t seek to add to our stores unless there is a practical need. We find what stores we have and are then able to use them fully. Knowing what we have, allows us to live more fully in the sense, we can become more creative since, we can use what we have to contemplate and innovate its current and future purpose as needs arise and we have more room for positive, constructive thought rather than steered toward, only to have our energy drained by, negative emotional triggers.
Though we may see what seems like empty space on a wall is really a fresh and calming backdrop for the purposeful item it accentuates.
This is satiating, filling and brings us more comfort by opening the doors once closed to us. There is a soothing comfort in the knowing.
When we are uncomfortable it is usually due to the unknown and fear of what might happen “if”. However, we are already uncomfortable and our emotional trigger has been tripped so, removing the discomfort, taking an inventory, this knowing, is helpful. We can only do that by exploring.
We need to explore what we see in our world, inside and outside. Full disclosure brings us comfort because it releases our fear of the unknown, which, in our thoughts and imaginings is depicted generally with the possibility of bringing us misery, discomfort or pain. It is our fear of and lack of faith in what we don’t know, which, causes our stress and in turn, closed off from the plain truth, instead, we are given (give-in) to illness from this weakness.
This is not to say we do not have pain if we see things plainly… “the painful truth”…”the truth hurts”. This exploration process is ongoing throughout our life span.
It never becomes completely carefree or easy in this lifetime. The cycle is constant. We never master our fear because we always have something to learn and not all that is hidden is revealed when we decide to take a good long look at it. However, through practicing the courage in a leap of faith and peering into even the darkest corner, regularly, at least, some of our unknowns become known and, some of our fear eliminated along with the accompanying discomforts as our qualms are removed and eased in the knowing, if only temporarily.