It’s so difficult to comfort anyone who is grieving because the feeling of loss is inconsolable. Loss itself is a complex thing to define, mostly because it is wrapped up in our idea of control, believing we own or have power over things and people and believing they are ours and cannot be taken from us; yet, we also, continually fear loss of people or things, afraid they will be taken from us.
When we lose someone close to us, either to death or other circumstances, which may as well be death, if we’re no longer close, as current studies have shown, when we’ve lost touch with a loved one to death, we feel the same type of pain and grieve the same way as we do when losing touch with a loved one whom is still living, regardless of the type of relationship, whether a once close friend, a spouse, through divorce or a breakup with a lover. In each instance, the bottom line is extreme disappointment stemming from something beyond our control. We can debate the circumstances of an event and whether we could have prevented it; if it resulted in someone’s death, yet, it still evented; it happened and, to our surprise or not. We must live without; the loss felt, making hearts heavy with the strain in grieving, wrestling with abandonment, desertion, emptiness and how to cope with this part of the human condition which is faced with knowing, at any time, anything can slip through our hands because nothing is in our hands.
Who, being loved, is poor?
– Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance
One of the best feelings is knowing you’re cared for; a richer feeling, knowing you’re deeply cared for. A poorer feeling is not being cared for, the feeling, no one cares and a feeling of being of no importance.
All of us are important in our small circles, to someone or several someones, not necessarily in the romantic someone sense, also in other relationships where we are relied on and rely on others. Marriage pacts are like any other agreement, intended for protection, knowing you can rely on someone to care.
The following is an excerpt from Alain De Botton’s, The Course of Love:
“We take this idea of love (being loved, rather than loving) with us into adulthood. Grown up, we hope for a re-creation of what it felt like to be ministered to and indulged. In a secret corner of our mind, we picture a lover who will anticipate our needs, read our hearts, act selflessly, and make everything better. It sounds “romantic,” yet it is a blueprint for disaster.”
It’s one thing to care about someone, it’s another to commit to the care of someone else. We all want unconditional acceptance, this is where the disaster comes in, we can’t all be indulged unconditionally. This is where commitment comes in, caring enough to commit to the relationship during times we are not feeling indulged, instead of moving on.
People utter the word love often, but it’s meaning is lost on us because we are not selfless, we are indulgent. In the best relationships, success is in the timing, since both are continually operating, the alternating between each other’s selflessness and indulgence, though our idea of selflessness is questionable (I’ll save this topic for a later post.). At any rate, in any relationship, whether lovers, family, friends, etc., there is never fulfilment, no one can meet the needs or desires completely, for anyone else; but we try, that’s the course of learning to love and one day after we’ve all died trying, we’ll have passed the test, having moved on for good, to the fulfillment of love♥
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can~Arthur Ashe
I like this quote by Arthur Ashe; although, it’s hard to start anything when we’re busy reasoning as to why we should or if we shouldn’t. You could say that is working it out, the only way we know how and it’s a start, middle and end to something, whether we realize it or not. Mind boggling is our special human quality.
Through imagination, humans have the power to reason but reasoning is powerless against imagination.
There is a startling relief (now, if that’s not an oxymoron…) in seeing a folder named, “Recovered Files” in the computers trash bin directly after you’ve deleted a slew of files. I am not a computer genius; but I am cautiously hesitant to send applications to the trash, knowing full well, there may be hidden and shared files, like little Pokémon running in the background eating bits. I recently installed a newer version of an application for Mac, prior to uninstalling an older version. Once testing the newer version, satisfied of due diligence in determining it was safe to uninstall the old one, after having gone through the motions of verifying it was in fact, only the old files being removed, I reluctantly pushed the button, emptying the trash. Upon performing the customary reboot, I was startled to see a Recovered Files folder in the trash bin but also, relieved it was there, since it turned out to be holding a related piece of the license needed to use the newly installed version of the application. Though this process was on a Mac, it wasn’t surprising it was associated with a Microsoft application; typical fallout from what seems to be a generally convoluted and often unreliable programmed system; having found, these two giants are wired differently and, as it is with these relationships, there seems to be strings attached. It may sound funny, this reminds me of Passover. Continue reading
I have a favorite sweater, which I refer to as my housecoat. Actually, I have two favorites. One I’ve had for more than fifteen years. I originally found it on a clearance rack at Macy’s for approximately $7.00 or less, making me feel good to have found such a bargain. Continue reading
I’m thankful I’m a writer because I’m one of the exceptionally few people I can engage in complex conversation. I’d include meaningful as a description of the type of discussion I enjoy, however deriving meaning can be subjective; so I’ll qualify this by saying, I particularly enjoy discussing subjects from which I derive great depth of meaning. These discussions often tend to become complex and can be extensive but are most often expounded from simple concepts.
I am ever thankful my companion is more often than not, as enthusiastic as I am communicating wide-ranging topics arousing both of our interest; also making for scores of indulgent and spirited conversation. This is an attractive quality and is a quality attraction! It promotes growth, which all of us could stand; there are ceaseless things to learn and while it can be challenging, it is a fun, healthy way to share quality time.
A large number of people say they want to be heard or understood but do not involve themselves with others in a way, so as to channel their interests and challenge their thinking. I have a short attention span like most anyone else these days and it gets even shorter when I observe a lack of interest from those I’m interacting with. It is uninspiring when someone displays boredom. In the face of a yawn or when finding one rising from myself, I may endure or more frequently, attempt to steer things to a subject of meaning to all parties. Of course, it’s obvious when this fails. Inevitably, a conversation turns sour when someone is offended, as misunderstanding strikes or, when passions dictate the path of a discussion, which, can be emotionally draining but can also be a catalyst to seeing another perspective; this may end up bringing clarity, partial understanding, more confusion or simply be judged futile. Agreeing to disagree has its place, especially since we are not all in the same place at the same time. We all want to get along, however learning takes place when we see things we hadn’t previously seen. Controversy can nudge us toward a place of greater understanding.
We all want empathy and understanding but we often have a difficult time extending it to others. We are full of contradiction and it’s tough to see past our beliefs, even when something is staring us in the face. So often we are blind to the obvious because of our stubbornness in clinging to beliefs. Discourse can reveal the denial behind inconsistencies giving rise to, much of the time, more contradiction… with an emphasis on diction, depending on how we speak, our tone, as much as, what we say can bring on conflict or diffuse it and can leave the remains of a constructive or destructive impact. Undoubtedly, patience truly is a virtue.
As a youngster, I was teased because I surmised a lot of things grew on trees that do not. I was encouraged to maintain this folly mostly because responding this way was treated as a funny thing to say when asked, “Where does it come from?” Having had no real exposure to gardening, certain vegetables and to biology in general, I wasn’t familiar with some vegetables like turnips, had no idea how they grew and was not inclined to find out at that early stage. Like most kids, much of the time, learning came from a best guess based on little knowledge, however if I had learned about a plant having roots and known what that meant, etc., I may have deduced it was pulled from the ground and would have known how silly I was to believe it could grow on trees.
It’s funny how rooted we are in erroneous ideas; yet, it is the root of an idea, which excites me and compels me, the writer to both, think and thank on. It’s hard to say what might grow from a root, even when it seems well rooted and begins to sprout, you cannot guarantee what will come out.
(Prompt by Brian Klems: Finish this sentence: I’m thankful I’m a writer because …)
Polarity For Clarity
Opposites attract and imagining opposites is attractive! Polarity gives us clearer vision through imagination.
The present seems unending when we remember we are always in it. Disregarding whether or not we are thinking about the past, present or future, in order for us to imagine everlasting, think about our having been in the present during each moment of our unfolding life. Now, imagine that continuing, seeing an unending present or, a timeless existence simply, one time made up of no measure, no time there’s no time like the present. Now, imagine the opposite, an existence subject to the measure of time, with a limited life span. That, given our human condition, should be the easier to imagine; however it seems more difficult for us to grasp, at least on a daily basis. In general, we hold fast to the idea, there is more life in us than what we see; thus believing we have no real end or, we can make ourselves perpetual.
A neighborly view on Kendall F. Person, The Neighborhood’s 12/26/16 blog post titled, TIME:
… while the breathtaking reunion of Xiang and Sua remain fresh in our minds, here lies a chance to take the offensive, besting father time. Pick up the phone, give it no further thought, call your estranged loved one, and simply say hi.
(click this link to read his post, https://thepublicblogger.com/2016/12/26/time/)
It’s funny Kendall used the phrase, “take the offensive”, given this telling of reuniting war torn siblings. It is also, insightful, as to the motivational prompt to attempt reconciliation by moving aggressively on a timely and strategic opportunity for unification between individuals; since conflict is an ongoing, palpable barrier maintained between fellow men born of solicitous qualities, where porous boundaries are set and trespassed, perhaps more notably but none the less devastatingly by those closely related, whom are welcomed on the inside, than by neighbors residing near or far, outside both subtle and hard lines of, all too often, inflexible and unforgiving defenses.
It may seem, opening dialogue will bring minds together and, yes, it is a forceful way to attempt this; however it is forgiveness which gives direction and creates a bond of unity between relations, regardless of direct or indirect offensive moves. There are always two sides to the same story. There is the offensive (aggressor) and the defensive (attacked); although a defense is often the greater type of offensive~ it’s being directly indirect! It boils down more to the strategy of compromise. Everyone practices this throughout life; tis the nature of the me-beast.
Each of us is a ravenous beast when it comes to personal borders and the limits therein and, is divisive in defending them, unto the death; though they are set, broken and reinforced continually as we adapt to the indefensible or, to the isolation it brings us; thus finding our confinement tolerable or agonizing, each in it’s time for, no man is an island. We are a co-op, a community (of common unity).
As a collective, all of us must rely on each other despite the barriers in place to defend our positions. No matter what we want to keep to ourselves or, how much we want to remove the unsightly view of our neighbor, his more or less fortunate status and goings on, whatever the issues imparted us within the limited view of our neighbor, we are attached and must get on together in a manner becoming a well constructed union. With an easement dividing us by permit, ocean or mountain, all come by any kingdom, whether a nation, village, home or human body, through granted permission to enter or via brute force.
Consent is granted when we are not under attack or, do not feel attacked. Defenses are let down after the war, until then, all are on guard in anticipation of the attack. When we feel included and are understood through kindness and patience, forgiveness seems an easy, unhesitant task. This does not mean the me-beast is tamed nor, implies we must bend to the beastliness of others; however it recognizes the restrictions of weasts (all of the me-beasts) and innate tendencies toward protection and keeping locked, the gate; thereby suggests working to agreeable separations as necessary to get along.
Harmony’s insistence or the contentious resistance to it requires an easement to reside in peace. After all, we’re adjoined on every side, even if, unified only in defense of our view.
Revision of a Facebook Music Challenge:
From: 7 songs in 7 days — To: 7 feelings in 7 songs
No. 5 of 7: Do Something (Matthew West)